Apologies for my absence
I am feeling a little scared and a whole lot worried, so I may have to vent today. This is not a cry for help or anything of that nature, I am just releasing some scary thoughts and feelings of the moment.
Sidenote: Did anybody watch that crazy American show on Netflix: The Tigerking? What a crazy, scarcely credible, slightly depressing, but had to watch to the very end kind of show that was. Are those people serious??? Anyway, that is what N0.6 of my post (above) alludes to today. For those that haven’t indulged in the utter ridiculousness of it, Carole Baskin is a supposedly ‘real’ character in the show.
You may have noticed (or not), that I have been MIA recently.
I admit I have been ‘teetering’ (like many), in this new and surreal environment: our new normal as the Media and Government like to impress upon us. I have been struggling (again, like most) with anxiety and totally uninspired to ‘put pen to paper’ or ‘fingers to the keyboard’ to write about anything at all… or put up any new posts. I keep reiterating to myself and my friends that it’s normal for us to be anxious in a time that we have never experienced before.
Nella, Sarah and I have, or should I say – had, all these plans for great over 50’s blog posts covering fashion and beauty, nutrition, health and wellness for Midlife Women and I just feel like they are so…. frivolous, unnecessary, irrelevant and almost inappropriate at this time. It all feels so wrong.
In my ‘Day Job’ as I like to call it, I am a Dental Therapist who looks after children’s (aged 0-18) oral health. (I am a clinician; examining, doing fillings where needed, pulling teeth as required, educating etc… I love interacting with the kids and parents, I genuinely enjoy ‘people’. I adore my ‘work-family’. Many of us have worked together for over 25 years and I miss them terribly.) I work for Queensland Health and we have been shut down as we are not an essential service at the moment. We are just seeing emergencies, but not in my clinic. So I will be re-deployed. I don’t have a choice as to where I go or what I will be doing, I am very nervous about being sent potentially to the frontline (one of the hospitals) or a government department that deals with the public. Don’t get me wrong, it is a privilege to help out where needed and I am happy to do so and not sit at home for 6 months or more. But at least in my clinic, I knew I had the security of thorough infection control measures to fall back on. I had personal protective equipment, masks, gloves, sanitiser etc… Will I have that where I am going? I may end up at Centrelink liaising with the public without the PPE. The unknown is unfamiliar and scary.
At home, we are in constant contact with elderly parents (my wonderful in-laws), one of whom sadly is nearing the end of life and is bedridden (God bless his beautiful soul), while the other (amazing woman) is in and out of the hospital or Doctors with hypertension at the moment. Worrying.
My own beautiful Mum resides in a nursing home with dementia. They are in a complete lockdown and while I don’t think she would be missing me (I am the only person she actually recognises now), I don’t know how she is coping really in her head and I worry about and am missing her tremendously. Will she know me at all when we are finally allowed to visit again, or will I have ‘lost’ her forever?
My youngest is in his last year of school and I am very aware that he is grappling with his own restlessness and apprehension about what this year means for him. Will he graduate? Will they have to extend the year? Will he be able to keep up with and be motivated to complete online study, lessons and assignments? Will he be able to socialise at all this year with mates that he is so desperately missing and may never see again? Will he have a formal or celebrate any right of passage? Have an 18th?
My middle-aged boy turns 21 this month. No 21st? He is also in his last year of University and meant to be ‘on placement’ somewhere in New South Wales at present. Not happening. He is also concerned whether he will be able to graduate.
Our Eldest rents an apartment with a friend down the Coast and is at University there. He, like many, has been laid off and has bills to pay: rent, food, living expenses etc… and has had to line up with the hoards at Centrelink to register for something, anything. It’s a worrying time.
I am mostly a very upbeat, glass half full kind of gal, but recently the positive mental mindset has surrendered itself to self-doubt, uneasy and unsettling emotions and thoughts seem to be more the norm. I don’t like feeling this way at all. It’s unfamiliar, alarming and depressing.
I blog because I love writing and connecting with other women, I love learning and teaching new skills, sharing what I know and what I think might be of interest to other women like myself, but my enthusiasm is waning at present. I am scared for us all, worried for my friends and family and for the vulnerable and those who will perish without anyone by their sides to hold their hands…